So I realized today that many of the things that I have been struggling with on a personal level are actually various forms of hiding– emotionally, relationally, even physically through avoidance or appearance. All of this came on rather suddenly, but not for the first time.
I am a child of divorce. My parents split the summer before middle school, which for me was about… 15-20 years ago, I guess. Like, … still impacted?
And for various reasons that I won’t go into here out of respect for my family, I won’t go into great detail. But it was not an enjoyable experience, and combining this with individual struggles with family members combined into a concoction that resulted in fear of romantic relationships generally, a sense that I can’t be married (that I will fail), that nobody would want me anyway (especially if they got to know me), and turning the object of my “affections” into some kind of antagonist in the story of my life, lol. That was weird when I realized the last one. Like, really? He didn’t do anything to me. Why am I treating him like the enemy…. ?
It turns out that hiding comes in a lot of different kinds of forms. And I’ve mastered it. Physically avoiding him (go the other way). Being afraid around him. Not trusting him (hiding my personality from him). A desire to hide behind a fake appearance. Disappearing… Unreasonable? Yep. That’s post-traumatic stress for you.
That being said, by God’s mercy, He already led me through this with someone a few years back, a guy who was never meant to be mine and I’m glad he isn’t. Completely. So a lot of the kinks were worked out back then. But when I found out that THAT guy had gotten married, the instant peace and gratefulness that I felt surprised me, but I was also a little concerned, because I knew that that peace was coming from safety, so to speak, and not because I had healed all the way. So there was some underlying self-understanding, admittedly, that this could happen again if I were triggered by another guy.
Fast forward to June 6th, 2022. Well, it really wasn’t that sudden. Give it a couple weeks maybe. Yes, it’s been recent. And I’m doing… awful. Honestly. Lol but I have many more moments of complete lucidity. This is because in the last few years, I have: let a lot of things go in my heart that I was holding onto, healed from things (I cried quite a bit more than I usually would), prayed through a lot and learned to accept what the Lord wants (instead of what I think I want, ’cause who knows, really).
Are there still things I have to let go of? Yes. Am I going to stop asking questions in this blog? I probably should. I’m annoying mySELF. Sorry. I beg your forgiveness lol. And yes, using lol is also annoying probably. Oh well.
I’m leaving now, but I would also leave you with a couple questions that maybe you could ask:
- Have you ever hidden from your inner struggles? How?
- Have you ever lied to yourself? This might be denial.
- What kind of hurts have you not healed from yet? Allow yourself to work through it.
- What haven’t you given to God yet? Do that now. 🙂
Have a good night, y’all. 🙂 B-bye